Propaganda I'm Not Falling For Anymore

Sometimes when I reflect on my life, it feels like a compilation of someone else's reality. In my 38 years, I've lived many lives, it seems. I was born to parents who, quite simply (probably far too simply), weren't able to be my parents at all. My mom embodied the textbook picture of trauma manifesting in addiction, abuse (both domestic and sexual), frequent arrests, and a cycle of toxic relationships. My dad, though not an addict, was the quintessential codependent and negligent lack of an authority figure who consistently put me in harm's way.

There aren't enough words to express my gratitude for the family members who stepped in and literally saved my life. If it weren't for my aunts, uncles, and grandparents who took me in and modeled the selfless love of Jesus, I am certain I would not be on this Earth today.

And so, you see, I've lived as both the daughter of a prostitute and the adopted daughter of pastors. I've experienced years when no one said a word on my birthday, and the stark contrast of celebrations so grand that I literally got a pony for my big day! I've felt completely invisible (it was safer that way when I was with my mom) and encouraged to be front and center on the platform. I've been surrounded by danger and surrounded by love. Needless to say, I can relate to the childhoods of just about anyone I meet. I've experienced years in which no one said a word on my birthday, and the stark contrast of celebrations so grand that I literally got a pony for my big day! I've felt completely invisible (it was safer that way when I was with my mom), and encouraged to be front and center on the platform. I've been surrounded by danger, and surrounded by love. Needless to say, I can relate to the childhood of just about anyone I meet.

I think it's important to share a glimpse into the backstory because it sets the stage for what I'm no longer falling for and what I invite you to join me in. I spent almost my whole life trying to fit in, trying to be enough, striving for approval, and being the girl who could slip into any environment without causing waves. But I never truly felt like I belonged anywhere or with anyone. Fitting in and belonging are very different. Fitting in says, "I have to change myself and conform to feel safe here." Belonging says, "I am safe here because I don't have to change anything about myself."

Brene Brown describes it as,

"Belonging is about being who you are, while fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted."

Years spent desperately trying to fit into spaces, a symptom rooted in the lack of safety within my immediate family, combined with graciously being welcomed into homes and families that, while full of love, were not where I should have been if my parents had been healthy, led me to search for something to fill the void.

I filled the void with lies—propaganda from the enemy.

If you were thinner, you'd belong. So I developed an eating disorder.

If you were prettier, you'd belong. So I became terrified of people seeing me without my shield of makeup.

If you were smarter, you'd belong. So I became obsessed with excelling in school.

If you were cooler, you'd belong. So I drank at parties until I couldn't stand up.

If you dressed better, you'd belong. So I bought clothes I couldn't afford and wore them like armor.

Here's the thing - none of it worked. None of it satisfied. None of it sustained my happiness.

I loved God. I served God. But I couldn't seem to stop spiraling from the onslaught of imperfection I shuffled through like mud every day. It wasn't until recently that I realized something that shattered many of the lies (propaganda) I once believed: intimacy with God is the only thing, the only place, where I found freedom and safety. And get this - He manifests this gift of intimacy in our real, tangible world and daily life. I am deeply grateful for the three beautiful children and amazing husband I have today. It is with them - through them - that I've never once felt like I had to fit in. I realized they're the only people with whom I've never second-guessed myself. I've never tried to appear a certain way out of fear of judgment or being turned away. That's a tangible gift from God that I am living out. God wants you to realize His gifts manifesting in your life, too. He is for you.

I want to encourage you right now—the deeper you go with the Lord, the more He will reveal His nature to you. My family is far from perfect. We still have all the human shortcomings. But God has revealed this gift of being a wife and mother as the healing balm my heart needed when my own mother couldn't fulfill that role and need. I didn't need to look better. I didn't need to act differently. I didn't need to strive and doubt myself. I needed to heal. And in healing, to see God's truth.

I needed to step into the role I so desperately required as a little girl.

And God has used the woman in me to heal her.

Don't fall for the propaganda. For you, it might be the lie of a bigger house, a newer car, a larger following on social media, or a corner office at work. It really doesn't matter what "the thing" is; what matters is that you recognize and invite God into the emptiness of your spirit, allowing Him to fill it with the gifts of restoration, however those manifest. With each step forward you take, you're walking in the truth of who you were created to be.