Embracing the "Shift" in the Midst of the Unknown

As a child, I started coping by always trying to stay ten steps ahead. I was hypervigilant in my relentless efforts to figure out how to make the puzzle pieces of life fit just right to find order. Nothing felt certain as a kid, with parents who were anything but healthy and present, constantly being moved from house to house by the system, and just when I felt safe, everything was upended again. I wanted to make sense of it all. I craved predictability and consistency, but it kept slipping through my fingers.

I developed a sort of "fawn" response to the trauma I experienced—always striving to keep peace and be the good girl. I would anticipate what would happen, whether my mom would be in some drunken stupor or drug-induced high that evening... whether she would become violent or simply ignore me as if I were invisible. Maybe, if I were perfect enough, or just enough in general, then everything would be okay.

As a little girl, that personality trait helped me survive. But here's the thing about coping mechanisms: They serve us well until they don't. As an adult, I was in a different place entirely. I was safe. I was free to build the life I desired. And yet, I was always bracing, always striving, always trying to stay ahead of the game in efforts to help the unknown feel less unknown.

God was calling me to rest in Him, release the unknown, and step out into something new. I wanted to, but I didn't know how.

And so, He did what is in His nature. He gently, patiently, and relentlessly called me deeper. Deeper. And deeper, still. You know what's in the deep? No, you don't. I don't either. That's why He beckons us forward. It requires the trust we Christians love to boast about. It requires complete release if you're going to explore the depths and allow the waves of faith to pull you out to where your feet no longer touch.

To tell you the truth, I loved the idea of trusting God. I loved the idea of letting Him lead. I loved the idea of taking His manna day by day.

I did not love it when it was time to actually practice what I'd been preaching, though.

God often starts small with us. If He didn't, we'd probably all be balled up in a corner somewhere, terrified of what He'd reveal as our future calling. He started small with me. An internal nudging. The beginnings of a longing I'd never experienced or expected. An unease with my current state.

Next came the baby step of speaking out and externally processing what I was feeling inside. He was calling me, calling our family, to shift. But what did that shift require? What did it all mean? As I shared with my husband, I discovered he was feeling it, too. But neither of us knew the next step. As classic type-A Enneagram 1's, not knowing the next perfectly planned out step threw us. But we knew in our spirit that this was from God, so we pressed in, together.

Let me just say that I am all about every woman doing what fits for her. If you want to work full-time, go for what lights you up. If you want to stay home barefoot and pregnant, more power to ya. If you're somewhere in the middle, I support you, I mean it. I never thought I would feel called to be a stay-at-home mama. I loved my job. And looking back, I am more than grateful for 15 years of the work I had an opportunity to partner in to protect children from abuse, trafficking, and restore Godly identity to men and women around the world. That was what was right for me, and for my family, for that particular chapter. I didn't ever think that chapter would end, honestly. But when I had our third baby, our first daughter, God simply would not let me go on this one.

He awakened a new, beautiful, burning desire to enter a new season being at home with our kids, and revealed how, in this time of life, it is our home that is our little church, and He has incredibly significant, divine plans for us... but it requires new depths. New steps of faith. A new level of that trust I always talked about.

Here's the rub: we 100% could not afford for me to stay at home. The math didn't math. The unknowns felt like crashing waves, not a gentle tide, whenever I'd try to do my compulsory figuring out and planning ahead. I couldn't figure any of it out because this shift God was so clearly calling us to made zero sense on paper. But I bet it didn't make sense to Abraham when he left his home to journey into an unknown land. Or to David, who felt like a forgotten teenager who was called to kingship. Or to Esther, who risked death to save her people.

That's the thing about trusting God. You must learn to be willing to release your right to understanding and embrace the gift of not knowing what lies ahead in the deep.

I prayed with a friend and asked, "Should I just wait for $XX to be divinely given to us before I step out into this new way God is calling me to go?"

She replied, "Sometimes faith is spelled R-I-S-K."

She was right.

It's a risk to your flesh, but a balm to your spirit to truly step out into the unknown, embrace the shift God is calling you to, and activate your trust muscles. But alas, it is a risk that plays in your absolute favor when God's leading the way.

We are beginning our journey into this next season, which isn't what I expected. It's better. There are unique challenges, but unprecedented favor and unparalleled purpose. The shift He is calling you to probably doesn't look exactly like mine, but what is the same is the fact that you cannot and should not know it all. Resign from control, my friend. Feel the release, and every time you get a jolt of fear or anxiety attempting to take you back, speak out the peace, joy, and abundance that are yours literally because you are a child of God. He has a perfect track record. He is in the shift. He is in you.